‘They Are Your Garments And You Are Theirs'

‘They Are Your Garments And You Are Theirs:

Marital Relation and the Metaphor of the Garment

Reflections on surat –al-Baqara 2:187

هن لباس لكم وأنتم لباس لهن

By Maulana Dr M Mansur Ali

Your clothes conceal much of your beauty, yet they hide not the unbeautiful.
And though you seek in garments the freedom of privacy you may find in them a harness and a chain. (Khalil Gibran, The Prophet)

Marriage is the oldest traditions known to mankind. It is a continuation of that holy communion that took place between our first parents Adam and Hawwa (May Allah’s peace be on both of them) in the garden of al-Firdaws. Adam (as) enjoyed the bounties of his Lord in paradise. He knew no needs. However, as time passed by he yearned for human company. For love and warmth, for someone to share his thoughts with, to be intimate with, someone who can understand the beatings of his heart and deepest of his thoughts. Allah created his wife Hawwa (as) for him and thus filled the void in his heart. Together they roamed around in paradise, eating from its many delicacies when and whatever they wished. However, due to a momentary lapse of judgement caused by the whispering of the devil, together, they violated the only one restriction that Allah has commanded them to refrain from. As a result of this trespass divine Grace left them and they became acutely aware of their nakedness.  It is then that both Adam and Hawwa felt a second need, the need to cover themselves up.  They ran to the trees of paradise and started covering their innocence with its leaves. ‘Where can you run away from me Adam?’ said his Lord to him. ‘I’m not running to get away from you my Lord’, he replied ‘I’m running to hide from you out of shame and modesty’. (al-Tabari, Al-Araf: 7:22). The need for company and the need for clothes were two of the first needs that Adam (as) experienced in paradise, it then comes as no surprise that Allah refers to the relationship between a husband and wife using the metaphor of clothes and garments.

‘They (your wives) are your garments and you are theirs’ says Allah in the Qur’an. The metaphor of the garment is a very powerful one as it brings home the message. It creates in the mind a crystal clear picture of the relationship needed for a happy and healthy marriage. Clothes are a basic necessity for humans. They are used for warmth as well as beauty. 

Clothes have many qualities and functions. One of its qualities is that it keeps us warm. The sign of a healthy marriage is when the husband and wife feel warmth in each other’s company. Their very presence brings tranquillity to the hearts of their spouse, and the whole world feels like a cold empty void without the other.  

Our clothes are physically the closest object to our bodies. They trespass beyond the boundaries of what is socially accepted as ones comfort space. The husband and wife should be close to each other like the closeness of the garment to the naked body.  They should be able to share the most intimate of thoughts with each other without the fear of being judged by the other. They should be open and transparent with each other and should be able to communicate their feelings, frustrations, desires physical, spiritual and emotional with honesty and without embarrassment. 

Clothes are also a form of protection. They protect from harsh weather conditions as well as conceal physical imperfections such as a scar on our body. Here the analogy is three-fold: first and foremost the husband and wife should physically protect each other not only from outside threat but also from themselves. It defies all laws of human compassion and dignity that a man beats up his wife and then comes onto her like a beast for no other purpose than his gratification. He further adds insult to injury in the process by saying ‘I love you’.

Furthermore, it is the duty of the spouse to make sure that people are not bad mouthing their spouse, at least not in their presence and if they do then they should put them straight. That marriage is in a sorry state when one of the spouses is the centre of ridicule in the presence of the other and he/she does nothing about it. Even worse is when the spouse starts divulging intimate details and imperfections to others. It is in line with Prophetic practice that the spouse should conceal each other’s imperfections. Like the way our clothes conceal our physical imperfections, similarly we should conceal the imperfections of our spouse.

Similarly, our clothes function as a barrier from toxins and other harmful bacteria from coming on to our body.  Marriage is about faith and trust, it is a commitment made in the presence of God and in the presence of the community. A couple should not let any third party come between them and pollute their holy communion. Indeed it is one of the devil’s greatest triumphs to cause a split between the spouse by casting doubts on their fidelity and honour.

Obviously being human one will have ups and downs in their marriage. There is nothing un-human about this. ‘Marriage is a bed of roses’ says sister Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood, ‘but a bed of roses with many thorns.’ However, it is a test of character as to how one rises up from these problems. Once in a while our clothes get dirty. We wash our clothes in order to clean them. We may also add fabric conditioners for extra softness. Conflict resolution is an art one needs to master. One needs to have an understanding for the other’s point of view, listen to them attentively and try to understand their grievance. It won’t do anyone harm if a dollop of love conditioner was added in the process. People wash their own clothes in their homes. Similarly the first call of duty should be to resolve any problems amongst themselves without resorting to any third party. A common problem amongst some women is that they get their families involved in every little argument that they have with their husbands. This at times will only make the situation worse rather than better. It is only when the stain is really stubborn or the blanket is too big that one needs to take it to the laundry. When all avenues of conflict resolution have been exhausted only then should one resort to close ones and elders for help. And if the argument is about who is to do the next laundry, just remember the fabric conditioner.

Remember our clothes are ours, they are made to fit us, even if someone else wears exactly the same clothes it’s still not our clothes. Couples should take great care that they don’t drag their parents in to their arguments. Husbands should not search for their mother in their wives and wives should not search for their father in their husbands. ‘My mother used to do everything for me’ or ‘my father used to treat me like a princess’ are common sledgehammers used against each other.  If you really want to make a comparison with your parents [???], then it is better to make a horizontal comparison rather than a vertical one. How does your father treat your mother or vice versa? Accurate results will only yield when the comparison is being made between two husbands or two wives and not a father and a husband or a mother and a wife.

Many people boil down marital disputes to clash of personalities. However, unless the clash is severe, why should we see it as something detestable? Don’t we have differences and tensions in all phases of life? Shouldn’t we be celebrating our differences and respecting the other person’s likes and dislikes. Difference (ikhtilaf) in Islam is never seen as a bad thing, it is a part of the divine design of the cosmos to which we belong. What is abhorred is dispute (khilaf), antipathy and animosity. What is the joy of living in a monolithic world where everyone looks and thinks the same? Where is the challenge in this? A little bit of chilli and pepper brings out the kick in the curry and only enhances its flavour. The fabric in a cloth is made up by weaving strands of yarn vertically and horizontally. Although the fibres go in different direction they interlock at the intersection. Without the horizontal-vertical weaving the fabric will not exist. Their differences make the fabric. Without any differences there won’t be any spark in the marriage. Like the fabric our differences should be viewed as complimentary and not contradictory. As the Persian poet says: har gulera digar rang wa bu ast (every flower has a different colour and fragrance).  

From time to time clothes need repairing. It’s the little stitches that keep the clothes intact. Presenting one’s spouse with a big present at valentine whilst being neglectful towards her the whole year round will not mend the already big hole in the clothes. It’s the everyday little appreciations, coy remarks and playful gestures that will keep the stitches of the marriage intact.            

Despite being so close to us, we still need to take off our clothes and hang them in the closet at night. Similarly, despite being intimately close, we should give our spouse their own space lest they feel suffocated by our love. ‘Loving to death’ may not cause one to die, but it can result in a very unhappy spouse who needs time to herself. We need to understand that although we are bonded together as a couple, however we are individuals. And the sooner we understand this human condition the happier we will be in our marriage. As Gibran says:  And Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music … stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart.

There now remains one piece of analogy which will throw the whole metaphor of the garment in jeopardy. What should one do when it is time to change their old clothes? If this is your case then it is high time that you buy your wife a new SAREE.

Education of the household

Delivered by Sister Maisha Kareem

I seek refuge in Allah from the rejected Shaitan. In the name of Allah the most Merciful most Kind. All praises are due to Allah the lord of the universe, the most Merciful most Kind. Master of the day of judgement. You alone we worship and You alone we ask for help. Guide us along the straight path. The path of those whom You have favoured and not the path of those who earned your anger and went astray. Ameen

Allah says in the Quran: O mankind protect yourself and your family from a fire whose fuel is mankind and stones. (sura Tahrim: 6). In this ayat Allah is telling us that it is not only enough to safeguard ones own imaan, rather the leading figure of the house will also be asked about the imaan of the household. This should be enough incentive for us to look at the religious needs of our loved ones. How we can provide the right form of education for our children and nurture them in the manner which will please our lord Allah? In the hadith the prophet ( peace be upon him says) that only 3 actions will benefit a person after he dies (1) an ongoing sadaqa, (2) knowledge that he has left behind, (3) and pious children who will pray for him.

The 3rd point of the hadith is concerning pious children. You can only expect to have pious children if you bring them up right by giving them the proper education. If you have not given them the right Islamic education then don’t expect them to pray for you. So in this hadith indirectly the Prophet peace be upon him is telling the parents that it is in your interest to give your children a good Islamic education.

Below are some instrumental forms of education taken from the teachings of our liege-lord Muhammad may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him.

1) Education through establishing habits. This can be done when only two factors are observed. Through (a) virtuous Islamic knowledge and (b) righteous environment

Example of virtuous Islamic knowledge
The Prophet peace be upon him says “a father has not given his child anything better than teaching him politeness. (Tirmidhi)

Example of righteous environment
The Prophet Peace be upon him said “Every child is born on the fitra (innate intrinsic nature), there his parents make him into a Christian a Jew or a Zoroastrian (fire-worshipper). (Bukhari)

In this hadith the Prophet is trying to allude to the fact that in order to give the children a good Islamic education, first and foremost the Parents need to sort them selves out because everything the parents do or say has a direct influence on the child. Here again it should be reminded that giving the children good Islamic education is in the interest of the parents. How? First of all, the parents would need to rectify themselves and secondly good children will pray for them after their death.

Another Example of righteous environment: See what type of friends the child has.
In the hadith the prophet peace be upon him says, the example of a good friend is like the example of an ‘attaar (a person who sells perfume) even though he does not use any perfume but he still will be perfumed by just staying there. And the example of a bad friend is that of a blacksmith, even if he does not do anything some of the bad odour will come unto him. (Bukhari)

One rotten apple spoils all the apples.

2) Education through admonition

(a) Rather than punishing the child, it is better to point out his mistakes in ways it will not hurt his ego or feelings, through advices and exhortation.

Example 1. Through using sympathy and love. As in the case of Luqman (as) who made his son understand by using a very sweet and loving tone (yaa bunayya) O my small child. Allah says in the Quran in narrating Luqman’s story “And as Luqman said to his son whilst admonishing him, O my son, do not associate others with Allah. Surely associating others with Allah is indeed a grave injustice. (Sura Luqman: verse 13)

(b) When they do something wrong to teach them by telling them a story from the Quran and Hadith, such as if the child is jealous then the story of sayyiduna Yusuf (alayhis salaam) and his brothers can be mentioned and the consequence of jealousy.

(c) To teach them by correcting the mistake by acting it out by yourself. The Prophet peace be upon him once led the prayer whilst on the mimbar so that others can see him praying and learn by watching. (Bukhari)

(d) Admonition through seizing the chance. Once the Sahaba backbited about a person, the Prophet did not say anything to them, but then they passed by a dead donkey and he said back biting is worse than eating the flesh of this carcass.

3) Education through observation

It is very necessary for parents to observe the belief, psychological and moral formulation of the child. As mentioned in the ayat: O mankind protect yourself and your family from a fire whose fuel is mankind and stones. (sura Tahrim: 6). How can it be possible to save your family from the fire of hell if you do not observe them.

This is why the Prophet said in a hadith: every one of you is a Shepard and everyone will be asked about his flock, the women is guardian over her husband’s house and responsible for her subjects, the man over his wife and the person over his own self. (bukhari)

Where the role of the father is instrumental and he is the bread winner, we find in this hadith the mother has a responsibility as well and that is to be responsible over her husband’s affairs including a good moral upbringing of the children. As the cliché says the first social institute towards building a harmonious society is the family which is the corner stone of society and the mothers lap is the first school.

The prophet taught few sahaba’s through observation. Umar ibn abi salama says: I was a boy in the lap of the Prophet and my hand used to move around everywhere in the dish whilst eating food, so the Prophet said, “O child mention Allah’s name eat with your right hand and eat from the nearest place to you. (Bukhari, Muslim) This is a prime example of education through observation.

Wa sallallahu ala ashrifil anbiya wal mursalin, wa ala aalihi wa ashabihi ajma’in wa man tabi’ahum ila yawmiddin

Prayer of a child

Allama Iqbal

My hopes and wishes come upon My lips from inside my heart. Oh Allah! My life should be Like a lamp, never to go dark.
Let the darkness of the world Disappear with my presence. Let every place become bright With my shining existence.
Just as the flower stands with others, Increasing the garden’s beauty, Let my life stand with knowledge And dignify my community.
My life should be built around Those who seek the light, Just as the moth loves the glowing lamp In the darkness of the night.
Oh Allah! Make me strive Constantly to educate my mind, With the light of knowledge That you gave me the power to find.
I want to dedicate my life to those Who are in need of special care. The old, the young, the ill, the hungry, I want to be fair.
Oh Allah! You gave us choices! Protect us from sins, Lead us to the path of righteousness, Help us to do good things.

Urdu lyrics

lab pe aatii hai duaa banake tamannaa merii zindagii shammaa kii surat ho Khudaayaa merii
ho mere dam se yuuN hii mere watan kii ziinat jis tarah phuul se hotii hai chaman kii ziinat
zindagii ho merii parawaane kii surat yaa rab ilm kii shammaa se ho mujhako mohabbat yaa rab
ho meraa kaam Gariibon kii himaayat karanaa dardmandon se zaiifon se mohabbat karanaa
mere allaah buraaii se bachaanaa mujhako nek jo raah ho us raah pe chalaanaa mujhako

Ramadan: The spring of the hearts of Muslims

By Mansur Ali

Spring is the time of the year when everything in nature is blossoming and blooming. The earth looks like a beautiful Turkish rug with its lush grass and rainbow coloured flowers. The animals are giving birth, the baby fawn is drinking its mother’s milk and the nightingale is singing in the sweetest of tunes. A mystical and spiritual awe can be felt, which immediately brings felicity and bliss to the heart. Warm drops of tranquillity can be felt trickling out of the eyes and kissing the soft cheeks. The creativity of God can be felt in its full glory in spring. At this moment the heart of the believer quivers with joy and yearning that it should also get a chance to develop and blossom like Mother Nature. God in his infinite mercy has not forgotten the believers. He has stipulated thirty consecutives days of abstinence from base desires, to be observed from dawn till dusk. Ramadan is the spring in the lives of the believers. It is the cue that we yearn for, to go into retreat and leave the world with all its complexities and problems behind and focus ourselves in pleasing the lord most high.

Festival of Light

By Mansur Ali
Delivered at Oldham Interfaith program 2005

Queen Elizabeth Hall

There are two types of light, one that illuminates and one that scorches the eyes.

Rumi the great mystic was once asked by a person to pinpoint the exact location of God. In response he lit up a candle and asked his interlocutor to identify the precise orientation of the light. In this manner Rumi demonstrated that like the light, God does not take to one place, rather he is omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient. The Quran speaks of God being light in chapter 24 which is called the chapter of light, verse 35

Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The similitude of His light is as a niche wherein is a lamp. The lamp is in a glass. The glass is as it were a shining star. (This lamp is) kindled from a blessed tree, an olive neither of the East nor of the West, whose oil would almost glow forth (of itself) though no fire touched it. Light upon light. Allah guides unto His light whom He will. And Allah speaks to mankind in parables, for Allah is Knower of all things.

It is with this very divine light that the whole world is illuminated; also the hearts of the believers are kindled with this blissful and heavenly aurora. Ar-Rumi says:

I tried to find Him on the Christian cross, but He was not there; I went to the Temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas, but I could not find a trace of Him anywhere.
I searched on the mountains and in the valleys but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him. I went to the Ka'bah in Mecca, but He was not there either.
I questioned the scholars and philosophers but He was beyond their understanding.
I then looked into my heart and it was there where He dwelled that I saw Him; He was nowhere else to be found.

There are many lessons for us to be learnt from this heavenly light. One of the qualities of light is that it gives to everyone friend and foe, rich and poor and good and bad. God gives in abundance without asking for anything in return, we should take up this Godly trait and be more charitable, give to the needy, feed the poor. We should try our best in this time of giving that we just don’t remember our immediate family, rather we remember that we belong to the greater human family and recognize our moral obligations towards the less fortunate members of this family.

We might think that if we were to share our light it will diminish but that is not true, for we see that it is impossible for a person to light the path of others without shedding some light on his own.

Allah says: in chapter 2 verse 261

The likeness of those who spend their wealth in Allah's way is as the likeness of a grain which grows seven ears of corn, in every ear a hundred grains. Allah gives increase manifold to whom He wills. Allah is All-Embracing, All-Knowing.

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. This light is very important as it is the essence of all good, we are in need of this light to lead a happy life, even relationships are in need of a spark.

Now it sickens the heart and makes one so sad to see many horrible crimes being committed, all we can do is to be patient and pray to God, because as someone said I will love the light for it shows me the way. Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars

I will conclude by reading a couplet written by the great mystic Muhiyy al-Din ibn al-Arabi who says

There was a time when I took it amiss in my companion if his religion was not near to mine. But now my heart takes on every form, it is a pasture for gazelles, a monastry for monks, a temple for the tablets of the torah, a kabah for pilgrims and the holy Quran. Love is my religion, and whichever way its riding beasts turn, that way lies my religion and belief.